Almost all parents are familiar with the feeling of helplessness and even despair when, during a child’s tantrum, they suddenly realize that they cannot control the process. Staying calm, intelligent, accepting, and responsible as an adult is not easy in this situation. But you can learn it.
Tantrums and simply defiant behavior can be in people of any gender and age.
Yes, most often, uncontrollable bouts of anger are characteristic of children from one and a half to three years old, simply because speech is not yet sufficiently developed and the child, desperate to be understood by the outside world, is trying to express himself through wallowing on the supermarket floor.
But you can face childish aggression and hysteria at five, and at 10, and at 13 years old as well. Less often, but the consequences are much more serious and more difficult to cope with.
However, from the age of three, the child’s behavior should gradually level out due to the fact that he learns to recognize his impulses and desires and control them.
So, let’s get into the parenting tips for toddler tantrums. Here are 8 practical tips, frequently used by child therapists, on how you can manage your kid’s tantrums.
1. Clarify feelings for your child
We all remember the advice of psychologists that feelings need to be called and pronounced. And it is true. There are three small aspects that need to be discussed in more detail.
How many names for feelings and emotions do you usually use in such conversations? 10? 20? They say there are more than 500 of them. By the age of three, all children distinguish between anger, sadness and joy.
But if you do not teach your kid to distinguish between anger, confusion, embarrassment, fatigue, resentment and disappointment, then all the situations listed above will be recorded in “anger” with the corresponding aggressive reaction of his body and brain.
A study by the University of Washington, Seattle, found that children with a richer emotional vocabulary have fewer behavioral problems. It should be borne in mind that the word denoting, for example, “disappointment” in the child’s head should be associated with a picture, personal experience, told by a story or a situation.
Such a science seems complicated only at first glance. To get started, write 10-15 different words for feelings on a piece of paper and write a story for each of them.
Another trap – we were taught to “pronounce emotions”, but we often forget to mention positive feelings about our kids. As a result, the mother often diligently tells her son that he was upset, angry, disappointed…
But for some reason she does not say: “Oh! It looks like you are so proud that you were able to come running first! High five!” or “Yes, you are all glowing with the joy of meeting your beloved friend”, “You smile so broadly when you come home from school, you must have come up with a new prank that amused you so much! Will you share? “
Talking about good, kind and bright. Unnatural? No, just a little weird. But habits can be changed
And the third thing to tell your child about emotions: they change.
We will definitely share his feelings: we will become a vest, a container, what mom and dad are supposed to become. But if in the morning everything was awful for your child – he wanted to sleep, it was raining and all the treasures from his pocket were lost – and later on, he is jumping up and down to meet you, you can remind him:
“Oh! You were so sad in the morning, because it was raining, and you found out that you lost your little toys, and your only friend did not come out to play with you, this is a very unpleasant state, but look – now you are having fun! “
As the next step, you will help the child to understand what exactly changes his emotions and feelings. What helps him? To be alone? Play a favorite game? Hug your mom? You need to talk about emotions using as many different words as possible, talk about positive experiences and try to show how feelings replace each other.
2. Everything has its time and place
A common picture on the playground: the sun is shining, a boy is building a sand castle, his mother is enjoying a warm day and a blissful picture. And suddenly another child appears in the sandbox, who, without any bad thought, touches the newly built tower with his foot, it collapses – and your so calm boy, with a furious cry, rushes at the offender.
For some reason, many adults consider this moment to be a good reason for courtesy lessons. Yes, you need to interfere, but not educate! All these correct words, about “we need to share”, “we are people – we do not fight, we talk it out,” “apologize to the boy, you hit him” do not work now and even harm.
Things you can do in such a situation: physically stop, voice emotions, apologize to the victims (yourself), if any, and get out of the situation.
You can stop at the suppression of the conflict. All discussions after and preferably in private. Use active listening.
“What happened to you? I think you’re pissed off. Oh, I can imagine how angry I would be if someone destroyed my sand castle! Where was this anger born? In the chest? In a stomach?”. Sympathize: “It was terrible, I can’t even imagine how upset I would be.”
And then try to work out strategies of behavior. How not to let anger rule you? What could be done? What do people generally do in such situations?
Definitely not hit, we talk. It is important to remember: any feelings and thoughts are permissible, but not any behavior.
3. Take care of yourself
The fuel for the fire of a child’s tantrum is emotion. Therefore, it is very important to determine where your trigger is, your red button. Children are very talented in determining what exactly drives their mother-educator-teacher out of themselves the most.
Maybe you are annoyed by screaming or whining, or obscene abuse from the lips of a five-year-old angel, you cannot stand it when they spit or bite, run away or break everything?
What actions of the child in your brain suddenly lights up in red letters: “This is exactly what I can never allow. Because!”.
Our task is to extinguish these letters and understand that such behavior is a challenge, but not a struggle. This is simply a parental, human task – not to react, not to lose control, not to fall into the state of a child.
Stay adult and responsible.
You should first understand what includes your personal reaction, name this behavior, wait for it and next time take it as a signal to smile to yourself and say: “Well, no, honey, not today”.
How to do it?
Inhale and exhale three times (inhale – smell the flowers, exhale – blow out the candle), relax your shoulders and lips, say to yourself: “This is my son. He feels bad now. I love him. I can stay calm and help.” And if everything worked out, praise yourself very much.
It is not so easy to do it differently, not to be led by feelings. But staying calm isn’t always enough.
We cannot just ignore the unwanted behavior of the child.
And if he runs under a car or tries to smash a shop window with his head, or just beats all the children around him? Of course, we are not ignoring. We suppress actions that can be dangerous to health, if necessary, we take the child out of the situation.
But at the same time, we remain calm and ready to help – your child really feels very bad. We are ready to hug, give a handkerchief, water and talk.
And we don’t care that there are a lot of reproachful looks around. After all, we remember that a child’s tantrum is a sign that a child needs our help. For example, to learn a new model of behavior.
4. Forewarned is forearmed
It is easy to advise “stay calm”, but it is sometimes almost impossible to implement this advice. But the willingness to challenge makes us stronger.
Watch your child.
On average, children under three years of age have tantrums (sometimes short-term, like summer rain) once or twice a week. Enough to accumulate material for analysis.
What is the trigger for your child’s tantrum? Look for a trigger.
Does he hate it when they say “no”, or is he oversensitive about his things and hates if they are touched? Does he need a particularly large personal space, is he sensitive to loud sounds? Afraid of dogs?
Discuss this feature with everyone who communicates with the child, perhaps their observations will help you learn something new. And get ready to face the storm every time this trigger starts the mechanism of tantrum in your son and daughter. Remember – this is just a task. And yes, everything will pass.
5. Everything has a purpose – and so does child tantrum
It is really helpful to understand what the purpose of your child’s tantrum is. All goals can be divided into two types: to avoid something (action, person, event, space, process) or to get something (thing, help, attention, power, communication).
It is important that the tantrum does not become a really working tool, so that its consequence is not the achievement of the goal. Plus, sometimes crying and quarreling can be avoided simply by not doing what triggers the reaction.
The method of “natural consequences” works best of all, not punishment by mom or dad, because they have authority and the right “issued from above”, but quite natural and not entirely pleasant consequences.
I sobbed in the store – they could not buy the thing I wanted. I had a fight on the site – I had to get out of there..
Mom’s bad mood is also a “natural consequence”. However, do not try to manipulate the kid with your mood. It might lead to issues with developing independence and self-esteem in your kid later on. It has to be natural, remember, this method is called the “natural consequences” method for a reason.
6. Always be on the side of your child
Against what? Against tantrums. Unfortunately, they don’t always end at 4 years old. At some point, the child himself realizes that such behavior does not lead to anything good for him. It bothers him.
How?
For example, it makes family evenings sad, spoils relationships with dad, and does not allow making friends. There can be many examples.
There is a behavior strategy in relation to the unacceptable behavior of children.
“Yes, you can be unbearable, but I still love you and accept even that.”
In this position, you are a noble suffering mother, and he is a little tormentor. It is hard to be a tormentor of such a beautiful-minded person, it is so easy to get to the feeling of guilt, and then to aggression, fleeing the guilt.
It is better to choose a strategy in which you are together. Tell your son: “Look, something is making you a very bad boy and making you, me and daddy very sad. Agree?”
What do you think it is? What is it called? What does it want? How can we deal with it?
At the same time, you can analyze how outbursts of anger occur and what really helps to stop them. You can read more about this approach in the book “Maps of Narrative Practice” by Michael White.
7. Find compromises
Most people do not tolerate categorical prohibitions and requirements. It often happens that children grow up, but we do not have time to rearrange ourselves to their changes.
As a result, we are still discussing the issue of a hat or the first dish for dinner with our 15-year-old daughter. The “offer a choice” strategy works in many cases.
With three-year-olds, the choice even works at the level of what you will have for dinner: rice or pasta. But closer to the first anniversary (5 years old), sometimes you have to jointly agree on how to spend the weekend, or the amount of time devoted to computer games.
Usually, there are three types of behavior in such cases.
You can insist on your own. From “it will be because I said so” to “well, you yourself understand that this is the right decision, because …”.
You can surrender under an avalanche of children’s tears and screams, admit that you have not been able to control the processes for a long time, and give everything to the will of the child. Now such parents are found more and more often.
You can also prefer the path of agreements and compromises – it is longer and more complicated, but in the end it makes all the negotiators stronger.
What does it mean? Try to find a way out together that is acceptable to all parties. In this regard, it is easy to run into pitfalls.
Sometimes an attempt to “agree” becomes a manipulation according to the plan “I said so” – the goal is to convince your child that you offer the right solution. Then it is more honest and correct to say “I decided” and watch your dear child smashing the walls in his nursery. Or honestly look for a way out.
How to check yourself? It’s very simple – if you already know the “right answer” when you start looking for a compromise – this is not a compromise. Ideas should be born and discussed during the conversation.
For more on how to learn to compromise in your family, we recommend reading Ross W. Green’s “The Explosive Child”.
8. Tips to control your emotions
Even the simple rule of three breaths in and out sometimes works. The main point to remember: we do not teach at the time of tantrum, we repeat ourselves and with the child just these three tasks:
- stop in a moment of anger or tantrum of your child
- calm down and show him your love (be near while letting him cry out, hug him)
- discuss his and your feelings and find a compromise
It is important to change your attitude towards child tantrums: they can be something that drives you crazy and exhausting, but also they can be something that teaches you to better understand yourself and your children.
They can be something that gives you the opportunity to acquire new skills and abilities. It is our choice – to suffer or learn and become stronger.