Different meanings are put into the concept of a difficult child: scientists rank among them gifted children, teachers – hyperactive, uncontrollable children, and parents – any child whose upbringing is difficult for them.
Parents do not understand their children because they expect completely different behavior from them. And such children become incomprehensible, uncontrollable and difficult for their parents.
Why is attachment so important to a child?
Our attachment is stored in the part of the brain located below the gyrus in the limbic system. This inner brain is also called emotional. The upper and lower structures of the brain are interconnected, which is why cheerful and dark thoughts can affect our mood.
There are situations when the limbic system triggers an alarm, then it is useless to wait for the uninterrupted work of the upper parts of the brain. First, it is necessary to eliminate the cause that the limbic system considers to be a threat to life, health or anxiety.
For a child, such a situation is always the threat of his attachment to his parents. In such cases, the limbic system panics, the child is under severe stress.
Imagine that you are walking along the edge of an abyss, and you are secured by a strong rope, and it is held by a person whom you trust more than yourself. This is how the child perceives the attachment between him and you.
As long as the parent holds the strong rope of affection, the child is completely safe.
He knows about this, and his powers can be directed to development, growth and other things important for his age. In moments when the parent is angry, dissatisfied with the child, the child feels that the rope of attachment seems to have loosened, he begins to pull on it – to check the strength of attachment.
“Are you still my adult?” – as if a child asks, – even if I do something else terrible, will you continue to love me? ” Since this question comes from the inner brain, he asks it not with words, but with actions (most often bad behavior), and he also expects an answer with actions.
When affection is at stake
To fix bad behavior, sometimes it’s enough just not to jeopardize the attachment. Adults often do things that are completely natural or useful, in their opinion, while the child is in deep stress and anxiety.
For example, parents lecture their child. At what point does this happen? When a parent is dissatisfied with something.
He wants only good things and gives objective reasons, but the child does not hear him, because dissatisfaction on the part of the parent means to the child that attachment is threatened. The child thinks: if I am so bad, then “my adult” can leave me.
At this point, the lecturing of the child usually gets stronger, becomes more frequent, and then the parent moves on to punishments, the child experiences even more stress, and the reason for the lecturing is still not eliminated.
If a parent treats the child empathically from infancy, then the child learns empathy from him.
And for him to doom a parent to the torment of anxiety is as unnatural as it is for a parent to beat him.
Sometimes physical violence pales alongside emotional violence: insults, threats (“I won’t love you anymore”), blackmail (“you’ll drive me into my grave”), intimidation (“I’ll go away and leave you here”) and ignorance which is fiercely hated by children.
There are situations when the parent violates the boundaries: enters the room without knocking, demands the immediate execution of his orders, discusses the child with friends in front of him. All of this is an aggression by the child, which he will surely begin to copy and behave this way towards the parents.
If the relationship with the parent is good, then the child wants to obey him simply because he is his adult and so was conceived by nature.
Treat your child as a person
Don’t worry too much if your child does not do exactly what you expect him to do. And “altering” the child for yourself is a big mistake. Feelings of your child must be highly cared about, as they are vital to his healthy emotional and psychological development. Remember that your child is entitled to their own thoughts, decisions and actions.
Of course, these decisions and actions may not be worth your serious consideration, as they are of the child. However, even if your child does not differentiate what is worth your attention and what is not, he, for sure, does feel your attention.
Every time you feel that what your child says and does is not worth your attention, remember to take a deep breath and stock up your patience. And then let your child shine in your genuine attention with whatever he comes up with. It will pay off in time.
At the age of 2-5, everything he says and does have utmost importance to him and, of course, must be shared with or addressed to his parents, as they are his only best friends at that time.
By engaging with the decisions and actions of your child in early ages, you will develop self-confidence in him and ability to properly process different emotions.
Let your child accept your feelings
Let your child feel that you love him, regardless of his stubbornness, cocky behavior and terrible deeds. As much as you would like to force the child to do something, as much as you resent his refusal to help you, remember: changes in his behavior are possible only if you find a like-minded person in him.
By insulting and demanding obedience, you thereby cause resentment and humiliation in him, which will further complicate your relationship. Expressing your indignation at his behavior, try not to belittle the child’s human dignity and pride (at ages of 2-3, a child starts to experience such complex emotions).
On the contrary, try to be a good example by showing proper behavior yourself and encouraging your kid to repeat that proper action as the part of some little game. You can tell him that there is a better way to do it and you will show how only if he promises to watch carefully and repeat it after you.
Once you convince him to play the game with you, verbally explain your actions. Don’t forget to keep smiling at your kid, as he must feel that you are engaging him into something fun and interesting. Once he starts repeating the actions you just showed, don’t hesitate to say the words of praise, confirming that he is doing it greatly.
Not always your kid will be in the mood of listening to you, stubbornly ignoring your requests.
In such cases, do not put pressure on the child with demands and too many questions such as “do you understand?”. Just stop, relax and show your love to him in the way he is used to feeling it from you.
Once you see that your child is calm and seeking your attention then try again to get him to play the little fun game of “proper behavior”.
How high expectations harm a child
Trying to set the bar for your child’s expectations drives him into stress and protest. Efforts on the popular early development of the child nowadays can exhaust the whole family.
For example, parents put a lot of effort into teaching children to read as early as possible. But until the age of seven, they do not need this skill. He needs live communication, but there is simply no need to receive information from the text in the early ages.
6 Steps to Correcting Difficult Behavior
It is important to call the behavior of children difficult, not bad. There is a certain logic to this. A child is not created to do something to spite his parents, because for him they are the dearest people who literally hold his life in their hands.
Difficult behavior of a particular child is one that is difficult for specific parents to cope with.
Someone considers sloppiness to be a problem, while for the other parent even the mess in the room will be invisible. For a choleric mom, slowness can be unbearable, but for a melancholic mom, this behavior will be just right. Often, adults generally see a problem where there is no problem for their children.
But difficult behavior still needs to be corrected, because it poisons the life of the whole family. If all the reasons mentioned above are eliminated, the child grows up with a feeling of support, care and acceptance, knows what is good and what is bad, but there is still difficult behavior. Here are the 7 steps to correct it:
1. Clearly formulate a goal
The clearer the parent will understand what kind of behavior he expects from the child, what exactly will happen in cases when the child begins to do the right thing, the easier it will be to find a solution.
Clearly formulate your wishes, rules of conduct and strictly adhere to them. The rules must be strict and the consequences for their violation clearly formulated. You also need to be consistent in your promises and decisions.
Try to write down in a notebook for several days what your child did “wrong”, and then honestly ask yourself two questions:
- Which of these hurts my child’s healthy development?
- Which of these really poisons my life?
2. What exactly is going on?
For behavioral analysis, avoid the expressions “he is forever”, “he never”, “does not want anything.” There is a big difference between a child who doesn’t want anything, and a child who does not want to do things that are not interesting to him. Describe as specific as possible, take into account age and situation.
3. Search for “springs”
Ask yourself the question “Why is he doing this?”
It is unusual for any person to do something without any motivation at all. Even children’s theft has reasons: a child may not have a formed idea of property, he does not want to be different from his peers, wants to be accepted into the circle of “friends”, wants to get attention and achieve closeness with his parents.
You cannot guess about the reasons, but ask the child directly with genuine interest: “Why are you doing this?”
Listen more, talk less. Let your child talk. At the same time, try to speak less yourself. If he is a closed person by nature, this will help him open up a little. He will also feel that you value his opinion. When he sees your genuine interest, he is more likely to heed your advice.
4. Explain what’s wrong
Use “I-statements” that cannot be challenged. Talk about what your child is doing wrong. Remember that he is unlikely to be influenced by arguments about the distant future, when he will graduate badly from school because of lessons not done today. Examples of I-statement:
“I feel very sad when you bit another kid because I want you to be a nice boy, kids love to play fun games with nice boys. Please be nice to other kids and they will show you their toys and play with you.”
“I feel happy when you be a pretty girl and draw your pictures on papers I gave you. Please don’t draw on walls or mommy will become very tired and sleepy, cleaning them.”
“I feel good and love you very much and think you are my clever baby when you listen to me instead of screaming.”
“It scares me when I see you throwing sand, because it can get into other children’s eyes and hurt them.”
5. Let the consequences come
If the child knows what exactly cannot be done or, on the contrary, what is necessary, but continues to act as before, let the bad consequences come. It is important that the parents do not gloat, but sympathize and continue to be near and support. Of course, we are not talking about cases like letting the child fall out of the window or pouring boiling water over him so that he understands the consequences.
“If you forgot that you were asked to draw a picture but remembered at the last moment – you have to draw it instead of a cartoon time before going to bed.”
“If you keep screaming and crying about that toy, I will throw away the surprise gift I’ve got for you and you will never know what it was.”
“If you stole and spent other people’s money, you will have to compensate it by work or lose your opportunity to buy the thing you like or cancel your trip in order to save money and compensate for the stolen money.”
6. Consolidation of achievements
Positive reinforcement is several times more effective than negative. You can praise the “new” behavior directly or indirectly, pouring out delight to his grandmother on the phone and to dad who came home from work.
Teach your child to see and acknowledge his own achievements: to compare himself not with an unattainable ideal, but with himself yesterday, be proud of his successes.