Obedient and absolutely unproblematic toddlers are quite rare exceptions. Most of the parents go through tantrums, screams and tears in various periods of growing up of their children. Moreover, the later the mechanism of “tantrum” is launched, the harder it is to cope with them.
A period of two to three years is natural for the manifestation of violent emotions. After all, it is still quite difficult for a child to articulate his needs clearly, but at the same time he is already beginning to become aware of his “I” and to separate himself from his parents and other people around him.
At the same time, the baby begins to become aware of his desires. However, his inability to express his wish and get it causes an emotional “storm”.
Thus, screams and tears are a manifestation of needs or dissatisfaction, an expression of one’s own “I”, which is absolutely normal.
But the wrong actions of parents, the wrong interpretation of the behavior of their children can aggravate and turn the natural aging stage into a problem.
So what’s the most effective way to deal with your toddler’s tantrum?
First and foremost, you must observe your baby to understand what is causing the emotional outburst. For example, he starts screaming when they say “No” to him, or when he is playing with enthusiasm, but according to the schedule it is time for him to eat, sleep, walk, etc.
In response to this, the child starts throwing a tantrum, as an attempt to defend his right to personal space and the choice to spend time the way he wants.
No matter how pretentious it may sound, a two-year-old child has exactly the same right to his personal boundaries as any adult.
Despite the fact that he is still very small and needs your care, your upbringing and following your rules, he is still human and has the right to personal freedom, which you, as parents, must respect and take into account in upbringing.
Secondly, there is an opinion circulating among some psychologists:
“Do not pay attention to tantrums. If a child is hysterical, just pretend that nothing is happening. So the child will understand that such behavior is not encouraged and will stop doing it.”
This is complete nonsense and very cruel. Just put yourself in the child’s shoes. In a moment of tantrum, absolutely any person feels bad. It is at this moment that he is unable to control his emotions.
And now imagine that you feel bad, and your most dear and beloved people pretend that you are not there at all. That nothing happens. How will you feel? You will become even more angry, you will become upset and very hurt.
Therefore, it is necessary not to ignore. You cannot step over the child if he is lying on the floor, you cannot show him that you do not notice him at all and continue to go about your business.
The child will calm down in any case, the tantrum will end anyway, but it will not go away because your “not paying attention” strategy worked. It will just pass.
But in the mind of the child it will remain that he can count on your help and support when he feels bad. He will feel: “I don’t matter to mom and dad at all”.
By not paying attention, you pretend that you do not accept your child as he is at the moment. That is, he needs to play some special role in order to earn the attention of his parents.
It turns out that you love him only if he is calm, joyful, or crying because he fell or when he is ill, etc. And if he throws tantrums, then it is as if he does not even exist.
But at the moment of a tantrum, the child is feeling very bad. He yells and falls to the floor not because he is a brilliant actor (at 2-3 years old, a child cannot act emotions, he truly experiences them in this way).
So, your job, as a parent, is to react calmly to his tantrums. Staying calm during tantrums is the most important part of dealing with them.
You have to show your baby that you are there, but at the same time you are absolutely calm. When he cries a lot, there is no point in explaining anything to him.
Take him in your arms or sit on his level and hug him. Pat on the back or lightly pat on the shoulder. The monotonous patting is very soothing.
In a quiet and calm voice, pronounce what feelings he may be experiencing right now. “Yes, I understand that you are angry, that you are in pain, that you are upset, that you are sad, etc.”
“Yes, I understand that you really want to walk, and you want that toy as well, of course, you are offended that you cannot get it.” Depending on the context of the situation.
Then you can say: “I am with you, I am near, I love you.” Give the child the opportunity to cry and calm down.
Later you can discuss with him or explain to him that he still has to go home now, eat porridge, or that you still will not buy him what he asks for.
What should not be done under any circumstances! You can’t say no at first, and then rush to buy a toy, or fulfill his demand.
Remember, you must be consistent. If you said that it was time to go home or said “no, I won’t buy it for you,” and the child is having a tantrum, then rushing to fulfill his demands means making it worse for both the child and yourself.
For him, this is a signal that what he wants can be obtained by tantrums and in his adult life he will constantly try to repeat this scenario.
You can foresee the consequences of this behavior. Not everyone will agree to live, cooperate, work with a person who is trying to achieve everything with tantrums.
Secondly, you will find yourself in an endless whirlpool of tears and screams, and the requirements will be higher and higher.
At the same time, your “no” will mean absolutely nothing to your child, and as a result, you will cease to be an authority for him.
Thirdly, a very common parental reaction is screaming. They begin to raise their voices at their children or threaten them with something.
“I will punish you, you will get spanked, I will deprive you of something.” This only makes the situation worse. If you yell at your child, the tantrum will drag on.
Firstly, your screams and anxiety only frighten and intensify the already strong emotional outburst of your baby.
Secondly, you demand from him to stop yelling, suppress this way of him trying to achieve what he wants, and at the same time, you show him exactly the same behavior. You scream to get your way (in this case, taming the tantrum).
By this you frustrate your child, since your behavior is absolutely not logical. By screaming, you are trying to make sure that the child does not scream, trying to get his way. You should agree that this behavior is contrary to your goals.
Yes, I perfectly understand that all these rules are sometimes very difficult to follow. You cannot always remain calm in the moment of tantrums, as you are a living person as well.
This may be the tenth tantrum in a day and you are already tired of calming down, you could not get enough sleep, you could have a very difficult day.
Don’t berate yourself for being angry or annoyed. Moreover, toddler tantrums can happen anywhere and it is quite natural that you will be embarrassed, ashamed, and you will feel guilty.
You might see condemnation in the eyes of others. Or you will feel like you are being judged for your baby’s behavior (but in fact, you are not).
Most importantly, remember that you are not a bad mother or father. We are all parents who try our best and do everything possible to make our children feel good and be healthy, but like any person, we may not know something or may not understand something else.
Therefore, in order to remain calm, you need to relieve yourself of an excessive load in the form of “but other mothers do better, after all,” “an ideal mother is… (and one hundred, five hundred points).”
Remember, there are no perfect parents. There are parents who think they are perfect. Don’t frame yourself or humiliate yourself.
If you are reading this article, then you are a wonderful mom or dad who is looking for a way to competently and effectively raise your child and you have one motive – the happiness and well-being of your baby.
Doesn’t that make you perfect (truly wonderful) parents?