Tantrums, aggression and disobedience are problems that many children face every day. And this is not a lack of education or an attempt to do it “out of spite”, but the inability to throw out the accumulated emotions.
Frustration in children occurs at the age of 5-11 years, and it is important to learn how to deal with this, not suppressing, but helping to cope with internal anger.
In the article you will learn about:
- what is frustration in children;
- what signs are important for parents to pay attention to;
- how to deal with a frustrated child;
- how to overcome frustration.
Frustration (frustratio – “vain expectation”) is a special mental state, stress due to the inability to get what you want. In this case, anything can serve as a trigger:
- parental ban on certain actions – “Turn off cartoons!”;
- an obstacle that appears on the way to the cherished goal – “You won’t go for a walk until you do your homework”;
- refusal to fulfill the desire – “We can not buy this toy.”
Childhood frustration is not only a response to external factors but also an unresolved internal conflict. A long stay in this state leads to increased anxiety, the appearance of unreasonable fears and the constant suppression of one’s emotions and desires.
This is reflected in communication with peers, performance in elementary school and family relationships. It is difficult for a child to learn new skills, it is impossible to motivate him both with restrictions and promises of certain benefits, he gives up at the first difficulties.
Signs of frustration in children 5-11 years old
Any changes in behavior should lead parents to the idea that there is a psychological problem.
Its salient features are:
- aggression – anger, scattered or broken toys, an attempt to fight, hit someone who is nearby;
- hysteria – tears even for insignificant reasons, insults, scandals and accusations;
- manipulation – actions aimed at causing irritation of others, it seems that the behavior is “out of spite”.
It is impossible to describe all the causes of children’s frustration, but it is easy to track the response to certain actions. The appearance of obsessive movements, the desire to stay alone, and frequent resentment also testify to the internal interpersonal conflict.
At this point, usually there is a feeling that your beloved docile child has been replaced and there is only one way out of this situation – to learn to cope with such a dangerous condition.
How to deal with your child’s frustration?
Punishment, anger, physical violence – all these only drive children deeper into the trap of emotional problems.
Here are simple but practical tips for parents to help maintain self-control and overcome a psychological crisis:
- talk calmly, without raising your voice – help your child to calm down;
- switch attention – ask questions that are not related to the current situation, show something interesting nearby, offer to do something together that is interesting to him;
- create a positive emotion – hug, stroke, say nice words and remind how much your child is loved by you and your family.
Parental role in overcoming child’s frustration
How do you react when your child is upset and frustrated about something?
Do you feel the same feelings?
Imagine a situation: a child is unable to solve his homework in math. You explain to him how to solve the problem for 20 minutes, but he still says: “I can’t do it.” Will you be upset in this case?
New research by psychologists explains how the emotional state of parents affects the emotional state of the child.
A group of scientists from the University of California conducted an experiment in which school-age children and their parents took part. The essence of the experiment was that the children were faced with a difficult task.
During the experiment, each child, along with their parents, entered a room where they were asked to solve a complex puzzle. Parents could watch the process, but not help the child.
In the second part of the experiment, the participants were given five extra minutes to solve the puzzle, but now the parents could help the child.
The method of electrocardiography was used to measure the emotional state of children. This made it possible to determine if children unconsciously feel the emotional state of their parents.
Electrocardiogram data showed that the emotional state of the parents influenced the emotional state of the child.
However, this relationship did not work in the opposite direction: the emotions of the child did not affect the emotions of the parents.
Also, researchers have found that parents who remain calm in such situations can help a child cope with their negative emotions.
This study makes us take a fresh look at the features of the manifestation of emotions in children and parents. The relationship between the emotions of parents and children described above is also called emotional attunement or mutual regulation.
At the second stage of the experiment, parents helped their child to overcome negative emotions and calm down.
From birth, a child’s ability to self-regulate is affected by how parents react when they are upset. If a child cries and parents tell him to “stop crying,” “don’t pay attention,” or “get over it,” he will probably still experience negative emotions.
If you yell at him or make him go to his room and calm down, this will not teach him to control his emotions. Rather, the child’s emotional responses to stressful situations will be repeated and even intensified.
This might progress unnoticeably to those parents who tend to not take their child’s emotions seriously.
If you seem to be surprised by such stress in your child, you are one of those parents and it’s time to start paying close attention to his thoughts and emotions.
If the parents take the child in their arms when he cries, he calms down. Embracing parents and showing sympathy from parents help the child in it. Older children can be taught to express their feelings through words.
If parents ignore the child’s emotions or punish him when he gets upset, his reaction to stressful situations will only intensify and become more frequent.
When your baby is upset or crying, the first thing you need to do is stay calm. Take a few deep breaths – this should help. When you are calm, you can help your child: he unconsciously takes over your emotional state and calms himself. He feels safe.
As your child gets older, you can teach them the ways you know how to calm down: breathing practices, positive thinking and verbal expression of your emotions.
Sometimes it seems to parents that the child prefers to cry, scream and stomp his feet, rather than explain what happened. Most likely, the child has not yet developed enough vocabulary to express his feelings in words.
Such cases are a great opportunity to teach the child appropriate ways of expressing emotions. When your child can talk about how he feels and what caused those feelings, you can teach him how to solve problems and calmly accept certain situations, even if the child doesn’t like them.
The more time you spend developing these skills in him, the less likely he will have outbursts of negative emotions.
When a child learns to express his needs, he will be able to respond to the needs of others. If you are always ready to listen to a child, this does not mean that you will always give in to him or fulfill all his whims.
But he will feel that you accept him and are always ready to listen. So you can more easily teach him compassion, understanding others and other useful skills.
Tips to help you control your own emotions
1. If you are upset about something, take a few deep breaths or slowly count to ten.
2. Pay attention to any signals that your child uses to communicate his emotions. These can be bodily signals, tone of voice or words.
3. In a calm tone, tell your child that you notice his feelings. For example, tell him: “I see that you are upset (angry, sad, etc.).”
4. Try to understand what upset your child. If you don’t know for sure, ask, “What upsets you?” If the child doesn’t want to talk, you can suggest: “I think you’re upset because your older brother didn’t share his toy with you. I understand how embarrassing it is.”
5. You can switch his attention to something simpler. For example, you can say, “I’m sorry you couldn’t solve the math problem.” Then you can switch his attention to a simpler problem: “Let’s try another example. I’m sure you can handle it.”
6. With older children, you may need to be assertive. Tell your child, “I know why you’re upset.” Then explain why his wish is unrealistic.
7. In some cases, you just need to take time and teach your child how to solve the problem in detail.
8. Devote some time to discuss emotions with your child and to teach him how to control his emotions from a very young age. If you turn these discussions into regular sessions about emotions, you can achieve strong mental health for your child.