These are the tips parents can use to awaken a child’s desire for trusting relationships.
Most families tend to be in a hurry to finish dinner as soon as possible, especially children. They rush back to their computers, mobile phones and tablets. Children do not leave only if the conversation at the meal is of great interest to them.
It is you, the parents, who determine the topics for conversation. If you view yourself and your life as a terrible boredom, your children will see the same. But if you see your life as an endless sequence of wonderful and exciting events, it will change your children.
How to get kids to open up and start talking to their parents?
At preschool age, most toddlers talk non-stop. But already in elementary school, many of them begin to withdraw into themselves in the presence of mom and dad.
However, there are strategies that can be used to encourage children to talk to their parents, and the more children get used to such conversations, the more naturally they occur.
1. Pay attention to conversation intros
Pay attention to the beginning of the conversation that the children suggest, drop everything and answer them, especially when children are over 8 years old.
It may be difficult for you to take yourself away from current affairs in order to focus on the child’s question, but how you respond to his initiative to communicate affects the building of close relationships between you and your child.
For a child, this is an indicator of whether he can count on talking to you when he needs it, or not. Your reaction to the child’s initiative is much more important than any conversation you try to initiate, for example, when you are trying to get him to tell you how his day at school was.
Parents who have close relationships with their teenage children often attribute this closeness to their willingness to talk to their child whenever they need to, even if the child cuts off relations with a girlfriend at 1 a.m.
This, of course, is difficult if you have a responsible job and other responsibilities. But teens who feel that anything is more important to their parents than their own children often look elsewhere for emotional support. And this is as much a loss for us as it is for them.
2. Ask non-judgmental questions that require real answers
Questions such as:
- “What was the most pleasant thing at school today?”
- “Do the children at school discuss their friends and girlfriends?”
- “Who did you sit at lunch with today?”
- “How did football end at recess?”
Such questions will help you go much further in communicating with your child than the question “How was your day at school?”.
Questions that begin with the question words “why, why” often cause children to become defensive. So, the question “Why did you wear this?” – it is better to replace it with “What do you think other children will wear on a hike?”.
3. Don’t interfere in your child’s life with your own solutions to problems and advice.
The child needs the opportunity to speak out, he simply will not listen to anyone’s advice until he does this. Then he needs to try to come up with his own solution, so he develops self-confidence and competence.
If you stick around with your own solutions to his problems, you make him feel helpless. This is quite difficult, because most parents are constantly trying to tell their children what to do.
But when we are able to think about our own feelings and help children come up with their own solutions, they come to see us as more helpful people to talk to and are more likely to come to us with their problems.
4. Be sure to communicate with each of your children every day.
Establish contact with each of your children every day, even if only for a short time. Being there when the kids come home is a sure way to hear about the day’s highlights. It is also helpful to enter their space at any time and synchronize your energy level with that of your children.
When children are little, we call this “floor time” (since most play at this age takes place on the floor); when the kids reach the age of 9, you can hug them on the couch and chat about anything from how their day at school went, to plans for next weekend, or about the TV show you just watched together. With teenagers, you can come up with a small ritual, such as drinking tea together and sharing news before bed.
Don’t expect your son or daughter to be intimate or willing to share their innermost emotions and feelings with you at the first request. But if you’ve created enough regular opportunities to hang out together, it’s bound to happen.
5. Give “special time” to each child
A father and daughter, for example, might dine out together once a month or go bowling together once a week. Mom can talk to her son about his life during trips to the pool. Children often look forward to this ritual communication with their parents in order to raise their concerns.
6. If you’re not getting the response you want from children when prompted to talk, step back and evaluate your initiatives.
Do you encourage children to show positive reactions? The kids have a lot on their minds, from history tests to selection for a football team and a new computer game. Not to mention, by the time they’re in their teens, they’re overwhelmed with hormones and look at themselves in every mirror they meet.
Parents may rank depressingly low on their list of interests, but that’s actually a good sign. Children can take us for granted because they know that we are always there!
Therefore, look for ways to look friendly and harmless in their eyes. Demanding and expecting connection is wonderful: you have a right to a relationship with your child. But you’re more likely to get the reaction you want from him if you can help him remember why he loves you!
“I want us to go out for lunch and have just the two of us one of the following weekends” sounds much better than “You haven’t been telling me anything lately!”.
7. If you invite your child to a conversation, and in response you hear something offensive – contempt, sarcasm or indifference, try not to react with anger
Instead, show your vulnerability and resentment. Say “Oh!” and turn away (resist the temptation to express your indignation). Your son or daughter will almost certainly feel annoyed at hurting you, especially because you didn’t ignite their anger by lashing out at them.
Remind yourself that this display of disrespect of your child to you was probably unintentional and that closeness with him is your priority.
Later, when you have recovered from the upset, gently touch the child and tell him how much you wanted to find an understanding with him and how much he hurt you. Your child will most likely apologize and get a lesson in civilized communication.
If not, then this is a sign that your relationship needs to be corrected, and you and your child need a heart-to-heart talk. Tell him how much you love him and want to be around him, and that you want everyone in your home to treat each other with respect. Then ask him what he thinks is keeping you from having a loving relationship.
8. Be available
Most children do not know how to keep the topic of conversation and how to raise questions “on schedule”. The pressure makes them withdraw even more.
Children talk when something comes to their mind, especially if you have proven yourself to be a good listener and don’t force them to open up to you too much. If you act like your child’s information is what you’ve been looking for, he’ll only become even more withdrawn!
Little kids tend to speak insecurely. Some time-honored strategies advise asking children questions while riding in the car or while they are painting or building.
You will strengthen the relationship with your child if you yourself pick up a pencil or а building block and engage in their activity with them. This will encourage your child to share their thoughts with you.
The desire of older children to talk to you depends on your relationship. If you are close to your child, he will not worry about whether you can be trusted with sensitive information, and will not jump at a rare chance to gain superiority in a relationship with you by hiding it from you.
So if the child is not opening up to you, spend some time strengthening your relationship. But remember that teenagers value their right to privacy and resist intrusiveness.
Never neglect an opportunity for conversation, such as a car ride together or simply sorting out clothes after washing. Just being together in the same room can create an opportunity for interaction.
For example, if you’re cooking dinner and your daughter is doing her nails or doing her homework, there are plenty of reasons to strike up a conversation with her. Of course, if one of you is focused on the computer, the interaction is likely to be limited.
Look for ways to be unobtrusively in close proximity to the child so that both of you are potentially available to each other.
Availability statements are useful even for teenagers: “If you need me, I’m cooking dinner in the kitchen” or “I have to run to the grocery store, but if you need you can call me.”
But the most important thing is to remain mentally accessible. The child will feel your emotional availability and presence.
9. Use indirect communication
Children are often more open in the car, on a walk, or in the dark when eye contact is limited. Remember: this is a great opportunity to get them talking. Another possibility for indirect communication is talking in the presence of the child’s friends in the house or car.
Just don’t talk and listen. Your kid, of course, knows that you are nearby, but often communicates more willingly in such an environment than when you are talking directly to him.
10. Listen
This is, of course, the most important way to help children open up. Don’t talk, just listen. Respond to your child’s words so that he knows you understand him, and then shut up so that the child can continue to speak. If the child stops talking, ask him a question using a confidential rather than demanding tone of voice.